Noah’s Arc

Here Comes the Flood

As a self-taught authority on all things Biblical (we call ourselves Bibliophiles) I look to the sky today prayerfully, with wonder and hope. Darkening clouds wash hestitantly, with a real pretty trepidatiousness across the dome of heaven, seeming to portend a gentle fall of rain on our blessed state of California. We pray instead for a unicorn-annihilating downpour like the one that prompted that guy to build a big boat in the Old Testament book of…Rains. O Lord, remind us of the Book of Rains and the promises made there in the immediate wake of all that hollering and drowning. Let the faithful be reminded every time we lift our eyes and are gladdened by a rainbow that this miracle is but God’s promise to probably not get mad again, as foretold in the book of Rains. “And after 40 days and nights the dark clouds parted and the Lord sent a rainbow over the mud-covered lands where no living thing crept but the earthworm and slug and a few other yucky hermaphroditic losers, saying ‘Behold the wrath of the Lord your God who in his judgement washed clean the sinful Earth, sparing only slugs and stuff because, honestly, you need hands to really sin big. Heretofore I shall span the sky with a symbol of my so-so promise to probably not do this again’.” Let today be the breaking of that promise from a Lord known to run pigs off cliffs and set bushes on fire, because we really need a lot of rain. Let us join hands — Malachi, I said HANDS! How many times do I have to tell you?!