7 Reasons The U.S. President May be a Broken Robot Because Pepsi. Number 6 Will Leave You Breathless.

The Leader of the Free World is an unusual case. Something may be wrong. His grammatically unique pronouncements, curious non-familiarity with human culture, and his “hair”, seem to suggest he is other than human. But viewed as a machine he also falls outside the usual baseline metrics, to put it charitably. Experts suggest President Trump’s non-linear decoherence may be that of a mechanical man (or “tick-tock-twit”, as one expert colorfully described It) into which someone has accidentally spilled a can of Pepsi Cola. A whole can. Herewith, 7 symptoms that point to this explanation being the best we can hope for.


  1. It constantly purses its TalkPort Like an AI with a synaptic flutter
  2. While shaking hands at the White House It stared at the Japanese Prime Minister like a Lobbybot© with a stuck logic delaminator
  3. It grabs women by the crotch and loudly shouts about that, and in the next breath yells about buying furniture with a married “bitch”, suggesting It is using a repurposed behavior packet from one of the discontinued AssholeWorld models
  4. It squints and has a wildly protuberant thoracic module – familiar dual symptoms of cola syrup herniating an overheated Midsection Ophthalmic Bundle
  5. It reflexively makes the “zero” sign with its right hand when emphasizing a talking point, suggesting Its Onanism Impellor is locked to the “on” position.
  6. Its startling golf swing suggests that of a retrofitted animatronic Panda 
  7. Its strangely avian scalp cover is clearly designed to be quickly flipped aside for emergency tech intrusion into its misfiring blabbervault


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