Letter from a Discouraged Futurenaut

Dear cowboys, Roman legions, Knights in Impractical Armor, chin-rubbing Socratic daydreamers and lost age peasantry wearing shirts with too many drawstrings; oh, and you, Jules Verne. Yeah, especially you, bright eyes. This is a message from the future. Oh, guess what? You missed it. Stop the presses. Despite your self-congratulating reveries and visions of Things to Come, there are no moon bases or trips to the stars. There is no Captain Nemo, Verne. Here in the distant future (2013!!) Nemo is a fish, drawn by a computer. Yeah, a computer! Don’t get too excited. It’s not a computer shaped like a guy or anything. Our computers aren’t smart or humanoid. They don’t thrill us with the dark possibility of taking over our world. They look like plastic toasters and draw fish. What’s a toaster, you ask. Shaddup, that’s what. You excitable morons all got it wrong. The only flying cars in 2013 are the ones that leave the freeway shoulder in a fiery huff at the behest of illiterate teen texters. Our Fritz Lang Wonder Crap has made us half-wits who wander breezily into roaring traffic while staring raptly at our hands. You have much to look forward to.

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